Oh man, I haven't been here in a while, but as they say, what goes around comes around.
Where do I start. So many things have happened in my life during these few years of my reality. Let me just say that I do understand that nobody really cares about this post, I'm writing this just for me, for the sake of documenting a tiny piece of memory which will probably be soon to be forgotten anyway. In any case, I have specifically decided to write in here, simply because Love (and I say the word with a capital) has been my sole reason of existence. I have fallen in love. Doesn't that sound pathetically ironic? I truly feel bittersweet saying these words. Falling in love, infinitely falling in a bottomless hole of ...(I have left the sentence unfinished as for everyone it may be different what they fall into). As for me, I fell into a trap. A trap of blissful insanity, impossible challenges, true commitment and pure devotion. That person was the world to me, he was Everything. I lived for him, I became joyful when he was smiling or when he was pleased. I became sad when he was feeling down or when he frowned. This may sound really unrealistic to you, but he was Everything that mattered to me Ever. Oh, I sound like such a sentimental person. Well, I suppose that's me. Anyway, my problems didn't matter. Nonetheless, this continued for about 5 years. If I were to go into detail through everything that's happened, I probably wouldn't be finished until I the day I died. But I might as well try and condense this into one sentence. He was the World to me, but to him.. I unfortunately was not. I mean, sure he 'loved' me in his twisted way at least. But you know it's so fucking different when you feel that something is wrong, amiss. I was literally bound by invisible strings of rope of steel by said person. I couldn't do anything and not that I wanted to, really. It took so much for me to keep holding on because when I actually realized I fell into an inescapable trap, it was too late. I still lived for him, as much as I could anyway. It was true pain and endless torture that continued for n time, I can't say remember how long. At one point my physical body couldn't endure it any longer and so eventually my mental body had to catch up. Everything started morphing so gradually that I haven't noticed. At this point in time, I'm truthfully lost. I don't know what to think anymore. Sure I may appear to be all right, and I myself may believe it, but something deep inside keeps whispering that I'm not. I like to think that I am, though. We talk, from time to time, I feel genuine care for the person but I can't help but still feel internally and forever conflicted with myself.
No!
Not impossible! -
Inevitable! ©
Wow, hm. That was a bit longer than I intended it to be. Nevertheless, I have been inspired by all this by someone, and of course I won't say who because they will know anyway :)
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